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Kazakhstan citizens speak englishДавайте попрактикуем свой English

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#201
Shade

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Subject: FAMILY


I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the children you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
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#202
CUBANO

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shade
man! where from do you get such a long texts? :)
or may be you are the author? :)

#203
Shade

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shade
man! where from do you get such a long texts?  :)
or may be you are the author? :)


Are you kidding me?
I wish I were that brilliant to compose all that crap!
Thanks for the flattery anyway! :)

Here is the next one...



EMBARRASSING FIRST DATE

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays ...

This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

Marilyn said it was midwinter - snowing and quite cold - and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). No, not Marilyn. They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should NOT have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour, she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show - she took the prize hands down - or perhaps that should be "pants down". And you thought your first date was embarrassing - this one redefined the term "pissed off"!!!


PS: All: If you really find my posts too long or too boring to read just let me know!
Thanks.

Rgds,

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#204
CUBANO

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ney bad man! (scottish accent :) )

btw did these two pissed-off continue see each other later on?

why do we need TV remote control?
women - to watch favorite channel
men - scan all channels clicking every 2 seconds - applies to me 99% :) and i can't help it

#205
Shade

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I ain't know what happened to those two. I guess they are happily married by now and still enjoy the "golden shower"! :)

Here is a good one about the remote control: "If you want to control someone - sleep with your remote!"

Kubinets, do you know what does the word "contagious" stand for? Think twice, there is a catch here!
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#206
CUBANO

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contagious - заразный, инфекционный, случайный
any other?

your warning about catch sounds like "catch 22" - :)
btw does anyone know what does it mean - "catch 22"?

#207
Shade

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Wrong answer.

A little boy asked his father one day what's "contagious"?
The answer was: "Look out of the window. See that lazy guy out there painting the fence? It's gonna take the cunt ages before he finishes it!

Sorry for the vulgar language, folks! :)


PS: "Catch" is a synonym to "trick".
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#208
CUBANO

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catch 22 - means situation in whatever you do - you will loose
it's like YES or NO question "did your mom tell you - you're stupid?"

#209
Shade

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That was quite informative for me.
Thanks, mate.
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#210
BAWIR$AQ

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i'm more interested in the so-called ebonics, the blacks' language & modern slang
you know its like
that > dat
this > diz
is > iz
about > 'bout
isnt, aren't > aint
what's up > wassup - 'sup
fat > phat
-z instead of plural -s
you all > ya'll
you > ya

in 60's OK was a slang 7 now everybody use it
and there're so many abbreviations like U, ASAP, IMHO etc thanx to internet

do u think that English will revolutionary modernize in 21st century?
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#211
Shade

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By the by:

Congratulations to England for taking the Rugby World Cup this time! Could not believe the Wallabies screwed up! :)
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#212
Shade

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... do u think that English will revolutionary modernize in 21st century?


Sure it will. See below.


The NEW English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
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#213
CUBANO

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Shad thnks God zey hav only 5 yearz program and not 7 or 8
ozerwis i'd spend al day on reading and understanding your post :) !

#214
BAWIR$AQ

BAWIR$AQ

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shade, who made your avatar?
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#215
Shade

Shade
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shade, who made your avatar?


Neo & Trinity, mate !!! :)
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#216
Shade

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Sorry for explicit language!

Bеликий могучий английский язык

Смятение - Oh! Fuck it!

Агрессия - Fuck you.

Самокритичность - Fuck me.

Авторитаризм - Go fuck yourself.

Некомпетентность - He's a fuck-up.

Лень - He's a fuck off.

Ничтожество - He's a fucking jerk.

Беда, неприятность - I guess I'm fucked now.

Удивление, изумление - What the fuck.

Безнадёга, фатализм - Fucked again.

Философичность - Who gives a fuck?

Отказ, отрицание - You ain't fucking me.

Возмущение, протест, бунт - Fuck the world.

Раздражение, досада - Don't fuck with me.

Поощрение, потворство, ободрение - Keep on fucking.

Вежливость, воспитанность - Pass the fucking salt.

Жульничество, обман - I got fucked by my insurance agent.

Труднопроходимость - I can't understand this fucking business.

Идентификация - Who the fuck are you?

Бурное согласие - You're fucking right.

Благорасположенность - Don't do me any fucking favors.
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#217
Shade

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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#218
MastX

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Shade получает + за нарушение пункта 2.2.5 правил конференции...
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#219
КАРРА

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Kuban guy, who is that dude in your avator? Too bad you are not Johnny Depp any more . BTW, do you know that in its November issue People magazine announced Johnny as the most sexy guy alive for year 2003. Maybe you will change your mind and become Johnny again. Or maybe not?
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#220
шрайбикус

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Kuban guy,  who is that dude in your avator?  Too bad you are not Johnny Depp any more .  BTW, do you know that in its November issue People magazine announced Johnny as the most sexy guy alive for year 2003.  Maybe you will change your mind and become Johnny again.  Or maybe not?


That's Stifler, funny guy from American Pie!
As for Johnny, I believe that his picture from the movie "Once in Mexico", where he is playing CIA agent without eyes, would be nice sexy avatare, no? :smoke:
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